Oh hey, Bi the way...
PRIDE
PRIDE

Episode · 3 years ago

Oh hey, Bi the way...

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

If you're bi, how many of your friends have sort of felt like you aren't REALLY bi...you're just indecisive? But being bi, unlike for a lot of college kids, is not a phase. Sarah Klegman has always known she's bi. But sometimes it can feel like people just don't believe you. She found her authenticity and happiness in her orientation, maybe it can help you find yours! Find @SarahKleg on socials! And @ChallahHub! Your host is Levi Chambers, co-founder of Gayety. Follow the show and keep up with the conversation @LGBT, @LGBTQ, and @Pride. Want more great shows from Straw Hut Media? Check out or website at strawhutmedia.com. Your producers are Will Sterling and Ryan Tillotson. Have an interesting LGBTQ+ story to share? We might feature U! Email us at lgbtq@strawhutmedia.com. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

STRAWT media. How many open, honest conversations have you had with your by friends? And, if your by, how many open, on his conversations have you had with your straight and Queer friends? Because one of the biggest challenges for those in the by community, sadly, is getting people to truly believe that, yes, they really do like both genders, and what's so wrong with that? But perhaps a little bit like the placement of the B in Lgbtq, people in the by community feel a little stuck in the middle of being accepted and of being presumed just a little frivolous when it comes to the partners you're choosing. It can often seem like sometimes being by goes a little unnoticed or untrusted, like the stereotype attached to a lot of college kids. They went through the by phase. But being bisexual is not a phase and it is not a reflection of indecision. It's an identity shared by so many that is not just sexual confusion on the way to eventually making up one's mind about whether or not you're straight or gay. So let's ditch the stereotypes and get curious. I'M LEA by chambers and from Straw hut media. This is lgbtq plus Y. Hi, I'm Sarah Legman. I'm a writer and storyteller based in Brooklyn. I have a hollow company and I'm bisexual. Also, there's that Sarah's had quite a long and diverse work history. Well, today I'm a writer and a storyteller and I have a hollowbread company called Hallo hub and I tour around and I give talks on things and I record podcast and I braid bread for people. But I've always been a writer and a performer to some degree. So yeah, after living in La for eleven years, I up and moved to Brooklyn to focus on more book writing stuff and Solo show performance stuff and just generally making myself uncomfortable. Like a lot of...

...kids, she realized she was by when she was young but didn't really find a space to express her authenticity until she got to college. For a lot of like gay and Lesbian folks, when there's that question has a little bit more. It doesn't all it's not always black and white. Like with most people, it's not black and white, but I feel like with bisexuality it's sort of like a slow burn where I sort of always knew. There was a time when I was on the playground when I was probably in first or second grade, and I remember looking at a group of boys playing in a group of girls playing, and the thing that was going through my head that nervousness. It was like it wasn't like Oh, this is different, oh it was. It was more like, Oh, this is the same, like my nervous energy towards everyone has always been there, so you know, and it wasn't. I didn't actually have my first sexual, romantic experience with a woman until college because I didn't have any bisexual role models growing up. There wasn't, you know, there was Ellen, but I'm don't identify as a lesbian and there wasn't like, you know, bye I for the straight guy or anything. So I didn't really have there no precedent and for her being able to identify truly as by is more a privileged than anything else. Being on this show is like such an honor and so wonderful to be talking about bisexuality, but it's also so funny because, like, who the hell am I? Not that I'm here is like a spokesperson for anyone. But even if I wanted to be, I couldn't you know, there's just so much versatility and diversity and range of different types of sexualities under the umbrella of bisexual. So it's I don't know, I think it's one of the most beautiful things to be. So what's it like to be the only by kid in your high school or to eventually come out to your boyfriend, who gets it but kind of doesn't get it? And, most importantly, remember that...

...if someone tells you thereby it's not your permission slip to ask them on a threesome field trip. I think with him it was more so just, you know, one of those conversations where were, you know, laying around make it out and just talking about sexuality, and I think the conversation came up as like yeah, like I've fantasize about women. I would totally date a woman, I you know, and so it was just he was like Oh, okay, cool. He wasn't really the adventurous type. It wasn't until I got older that people started responding to that pretty immediately with like Oh, great to have a threesome, because that's what it means if you're bisexual. I don't know if you knew that, but it just means you want to fuck everyone all the time. No, I'm getting I'm so squishy and emotional. He was fine with it. It is fine, as you know, it didn't really change anything. It's just, you know, a part of who who I am. That same boyfriend went with me to college and he had never heard me actually say that I was bisexual, like say those words. He knew that I was attracted to women and that I would be down for that. And then one night we were doing a bunch of yeager bombs at a friend's party and I blurted out that I was bisexual, much to his surprise, even though he knew, but there's something jarring about the label and the proclamation. His response was good. Not everyone's response is good, despite most people assuming your childhood struggles as part of the LGBTQ plus community must have been your hardest. For Sarah, many of her challenges didn't come until adulthood. The struggle for me wasn't in the sort of slow burn realization or in my upbringing or, you know, high school. The harder part starts in adulthood, in my opinion, which when people started asking you to define things and they start, you know, looking to your romantic history for evidence...

...of who you are and what it means to love you and be in a relationship with you. And there's a lot of adversity and sort of disbelief, which is the strange part. And even though a lot of us know what it's like to deal with these struggles from childhood up until the present. Imagine if, when you told people of your orientation, they just didn't believe you. Yeah, I think it's just in this weird feeling like I have to like people don't believe it, they don't think it's real, they don't think it's a thing. And like, in order to satisfy people, it's like immediately as soon as you say you're by they're like, oh well, how many men have you've been with versus how many women you know? Are you sure you know? Do you have to have, you know, one of each partner to be you know, one of each gender to be satisfied? Like, I think the struggle is in all these preconceived notions about what bisexual means. And I think the point is that, like, you can be into women ten percent and men ninety percent, or women fifty percent and men fifty percent, or you don't even need to go genders and you can be like, I'm into leg you know, five percent dude type people, female type people, not Barick, the binary type, people, like whatever it is. But if you if you're saying, as a human, I don't limit who I love and and or who I am physically attracted to base on the body that they are in. For me that's the definition of bisexuality and it's beautiful. It's just about love. For Sarah, she's managed to find value in her authenticity, which can feel like an impossible thing to do. Life is full of ups and downs and difficult moments on its own, so why would we spend any more time hiding from who we are? I am blessed with a lot of there's a lot of things wrong with me. It's one of the things that I love talking about. Like I there's a lot of things wrong with me, a lot of things that are like hard pills...

...to swallow for people. Right like I were hearing aids. I'm like pretty Jewey, like you know, I have the you know gluten and you know sensitivity, even though I have a bread company, like all these weird you know and God knows, whatever you know emotional damage we all come with, but all all you can do is just so show someone who you are completely and if someone finds out that, oh my Gosh, Sarah's bisexual, she just doesn't limit who she could love based on anything like and if they're not into that, like but by like cool, good, glad to know now. Thank you, see you later. But even though you know who you are, people will still make assumptions about you based on whatever biases they've formed about who you're supposed to be. The acknowledgement in in the gay community has been great recently that I've seen. Like I used to go out with a couple lesbian friends in West Hollywood when I first moved to Los Angeles. I remember she would be like Oh, you know, they'd be like, you know, four of us out and she'd be like just three lady hunting ladies on the town, and I'm like, oh, but I'm I'm here too, like I'm also like hunting ladies, and she's like, like, you don't count and I'm like well, I mean, like I'm not a lesbian, but like I get so weird around women. Oh my gosh, I get so much weirder on women like I went to, which is very out of character. I went to a Strip club a couple nights ago with some friends in New York and I got all like, you know, I just this beautiful women is dancing and I'm just like nerding out about it and just like oh my gosh, like you're an angel, like you're so amazing, and we just get to talking and she just comes down. She's like more women need to be like you, and I'm like what, like awkwardly into women, but also like respectful of them, like, but also in that moment I felt weird being like Oh yeah, I'm not just like a not that. I'm not just like a harmless straight girl. There's like that assumption, like there's this weird thing where people assume that you're straight, and I think a lot of lesbian fems have this issue too, but with this bisexuality,...

...this weird thing happens where if I'm in a relationship with a man, then everyone's like, oh, she's straight now, or if I'm in a relationship with a woman, they're like, oh, she's lesbian now, and it's like no, I'm just loving this person now. It doesn't change everything else. We can't control who we act, to our true selves, and how they do. But we can control whether we're going to let people who judge or disbelieve us have any impact on our lives. Words can be hurtful, but our greatest power comes from us, from who we are, and if we can wheel that, we will be prepared for any other problems that come our way in life. Well, except maybe for the first time you have sex. More on that after the break. The first time that I was that I had sex with a woman was it was a it was a dare. I had never had sex with a woman. I had like flirted with this like total babe and in college who was like an aviation major, and we were at this party one night and we just started dancing together and she had like perfect teeth and like tight jeans and long blonde hair and yeah, so and then like later that night, this aviation major, her big butch, burly best friend came up to me and was like if you ever heard her, I'll kill you, and I had never experienced that kind of aggressive lesbo BF behavior. So I was like thoroughly scared away. So I had not had a sexual experience with a woman and I was out one night with a guy friend from work and we went to this gay bar, Cabo, I think it's Cabo or fiesta, the one that's in West Hollywood. My Dude friend, my straight dude friend, starts flirting with this girl at the bar and he comes back over and he's like, I'm totally killing it with this chick and I'm like, I don't think she's into you. And at the time I was like, you know, very overweight, with like a pension for loud florals, and I I saw him forty with this girl...

...and I was like, oh no, I think she's gay, and he's like, old, she's not, I bet you she's not. And as soon as he was like I bet you, all pressure of like how to approach and talk to women like kind of melted away and I was just like, oh, it's just about the bet. I can do this, like if it goes poorly, I'll just be like whatever I was it was a bet to do this. So I walk up to her and I'm just like him, Sarah, and we just start talking and she offers to buy me a beer and and then I was like, Oh, you know, after a few minutes we're just small talking as I go. I should get back to, you know, my poor friend, and she asked for my number and I gave her my number and I went back to my friend and he's like Wha, what did you find out? And I was like, Oh, well, I think she's I think she's gay, like, you know, she bought my drink and we exchange numbers and I just got a vibe and he's like that's not proof enough, and I was like what? And at this point I had had a little lot of bit to drink and I was like fine, I'll prove it, and so I like March back in there and I tap her on the shoulder and I was like him, I'm about to leave and you can say no, but do you want to just like make out for a second? And she, remarkably, was like okay. So we like made out for a second and then I got to turn around and see my, you know, friends draw on the floor like won the bet, I won the bat, and then she and I went out the next weekend and I had a moment with her where we met up for our date at the the Abbey, like during the day, when they have like brunch service, delicious food so we went and sat in a booth and there was a moment where she was like, Oh, so, when did you come out as a lesbian? I was like, funny story, I'm not a lesbian, I'm by and it was sort of a sort of like through her for a loop and like made me feel like she momentarily like maybe thought that I was lying, but like I never like I not. But there. That's the weird dynamic about bisexuality. It's like when is there a moment where I'm supposed to be like, I don't know if I'm gay enough for you, but I was gay enough that we kept making out and then...

...and then, like we were there until it was really late and finally I was like how do I get this girl to come home with me? Like I had never been with the like I didn't know, like I did she know? Should I tell her that I'm not like that. I'm like a lady Vergeon, like im my lady burt, like I believe it's about the body and the human it's not about the pieces, like you know. It's like we you're with someone new every time you're with them, you know. So I had all this anxiety about it and finally, the nights like almost over, we said the whole day, and and I walk into her car and I just go I'm wearing really cute underwear right now. She was just like do you live close and I was like yeah, oh my and it worked. But even though we might be nervous or scared when having sex with someone of the same gender, it's important to remember you're already a pro at your own gender. You already know what you're doing. So she fall me home and we did the sex and it was amazing and it was fine. And this thing happened in the moment where a lot of my anxiety about how to have sex with women kind of started to fade, in the slow realization that I wouldn't fully realize until years later when I actually started, you know, becoming intimate with women that I like, really deeply emotionally cared about. To no offense to this lovely lady, but Tara was her name, and Tara was more about the character, was that she was a hot piece of delicious lady. I respected her, but we didn't like date. But later, later in life, when I started dating a little bit more recently, did I have a moment where I realized that I don't need to freak out about if I'm good with women or not, because I am one. There's a lot to learn, both individually and within any community. Lucky for Sarah,...

...her biggest piece of advice is actually to have patience with the people who don't really know much about you, because there's always an opportunity to change hearts and minds. Be Kind and patient to people when they're when they first learned this about you. And I know maybe my advice should maybe come from more of a place of like, Love Yourself, like you needn't need to defend you know, and that's all. That's true, but I think it's also helpful to understand that, unfortunately, there's a lot of crap that people associate with bisexuality, but giving them the opportunity to ask questions and being able to answer those questions without being like, without rolling your eyes and, you know, just having a little bit of patience with them. I think the more we can just educate people on what it does and doesn't mean, the easier time will have moving through life and also understanding that nothing's black and white and bisexuality is like a perfect I mean it's by definition gray, but so cold it's beautiful and I think the energy that you take towards your sexual identity and all of that, in the way that you share that with people that are close to you, they will then take on that that energy. So figuring out how you feel about yourself and how you feel about your sexual identity and what bisexuality means. The more that you understand about yourself and the more patients you have with others, that will just make everything a little easier and even greater than opening up the conversation on a personal level. She has the ability to share her voice and her sexuality with millions in both the tech industry and the Jewish community. My personal sexual identity has made it possible for some of these conversations to be had in, for example, this like Jewish woman's space that might not necessarily be had in such a big way in this moment because...

...just the fact that I'm queer. So like, if we're writing a piece of content, so say, for example, we did a series on having sex on Shabbat and like, if it's considered like, you know, if you get extra Jewish bonus points, and we did all this artwork for it. And all the artwork. We made sure me in the designer we both identify as queer. We made sure that the artwork had like Hetero sexual positions, but it also had like a bunch of queer sex positions. So I'm really lucky in that that part of my identity in this in that space is valued, accepted, utilized encouraged in the other and the other work that I do in the in the text face. The reason I got that job is because I am an artist and because I have a unique voice and because, you know what, I'm not monologing about the importance of queerness and my sexuality. I do a lot of funny storytelling things too, and that was a my bisexual identity comes out and all those stories. And so my client, or employer, whatever you want to call him, knew what he was getting with me when he hired me, and that was part of the appeal. And that's a pretty sweet job, being like an on retainer creative writer. And so the fact that I got both of these jobs and I flourished in both of these positions because I am so openly myself and because I don't shy away from those topics and because diversity and inclusion is becoming more and more important in the workplace. Those parts of me are actually strengths, which is pretty awesome. I think when you're young and confused and haven't had enough life experiences, our gender or orientation, or lack thereof, can feel like a heavy burden. It's not easy to deal with being different, but the older we get we realize that to be different is to be normal. There's nothing more boring than being the same as anyone else. Maybe you've had a similar journey...

...to Sarah. Maybe even people within your own community don't take your sexuality seriously or they think it's just a phase. But at the end of the day, it isn't about them. It's about how to double down on yourself and show the world who you are, regardless of what it thinks. From your perspective, the rest of the world has a lot to learn, not just about you, but about what it means to be part of the LGBTQ plus community, because sameness is the curse and being different is truly the most beautiful thing to be. LGBTQ plus you is brought to you by Straw hut media. If you like the show, don't forget to rate us on Apple podcast and be sure to leave us a review. If you'd like to check out more of our great shows, give us a look at Straw Hut Mediacom. The show can be found all across social media at LGBT, at LGBTQ and at pride. Yes, those handles are. Sarah Clickman is on social at Sarah Clegg. That's Klee G and if you like food or bread porn, check out her Halla bread company at Hallaw hub, that Challah hub, and you can find me on social at Lee by chambers or at Gayety. Our producers are will sterling and Ryan Tillotson. COPYWRITTEN, engineered and edited by will sterling. Those fellows can be found at will sterling underscore and at Ryan Tillotson. We'll see you next week.

In-Stream Audio Search

NEW

Search across all episodes within this podcast

Episodes (147)